Monday Moan 64

TOO BRAINY? TOO AGGRESSIVE?  OR JUST GOT A BOOK TO SELL?

Interesting piece in the Daily Mail last week from Kate Mulvey, wondering if love had passed her by because she was too intelligent.  She confesses to being challenging and wanting to let everyone know how well read and clever she is, and how she has an opinion on everything.  She admits she has been told she is intimidating, scary, difficult and opinionated, but her interpretation of this is that men think she’s just too clever.

 

Here’s a great quote  - “Unlike the canny girls who learnt how to flirt with men from an early age, the brainy ones, like me, were too busy with their books to master the art of flattery. Instead we challenge rather than charm, we control rather than compromise.”  

 

Not for me to comment – you can make up your own mind.  But it’s also interesting to see that she’s about to have a book published on the ‘humorous’ guide to the ‘art’ of being single, so maybe that’s all we need to know.

 

 

PLEASE LET ME FINISH!

I can’t be the only person in the country who sometimes watches a film or programme on television and wants to read the credits in order to find out who that actor was that I recognised, or what that music was, or something similar.  Sometimes I just want to use the time watching the credits as a means of absorbing what I have just seen, particularly if the programme has been emotionally involving or challenging.

 

Fat chance of any of this, as the scrolling credits are compressed and pushed aside in order to allow a picture of what is usually some completely unrelated programme to be plugged, complete with the continuity announcer’s voice exploding out of the TV destroying whatever atmosphere has been created.

 

Please STOP.  If you want to plug a programme then do so once the current one has finished and give the viewers the opportunity to reach the end of the programme they have just been watching.  I cannot believe there is any serious market research that says that viewers welcome this loud and intrusive action, or that many have ever said how grateful they were that they were told about the other programme.

 

 

AND WHILST I’M ON THE SUBJECT …….

Why do the TV companies insist on messing with the volume control all the time?  It’s not just that the adverts or programme plugs are so much louder than the programmes themselves.  Even within programmes the volume seems to be altered far too often.  There I am with volume level set at, say, 12, and then I find I can’t hear what’s being said, so up it goes to 14 – and then it will suddenly get louder so I have to put it down again, perhaps as far as 7 before I am fairly confident that my neighbour won’t be disturbed by it.

 

Why are the local and national news bulletins set at different levels, or the local and national weather reports?

 

And in cases where there is more than one presenter, please can they be encouraged to speak at similar volume levels?  Julie Etchingham on the ITV News, for example, is almost inaudible.

 

 

WHO SAYS MPs HAVE NO SENSE OF HUMOUR?

It’s good to see that some of our MPs still retain a sense of humour whilst preserving the dignity of being elected as our representatives in Parliament.  Of course it’s important to talk about things like the economy, or Syria, or famine, or any of those other predictable and intractable problems that fill most of the Parliamentary timetable. But hey, we all need some time to lighten up, to relax, to talk about things just for the fun of it, don’t we?

 

That seems to be the approach of three Conservative MPs Peter Bone, Chris Chope and Philip Hollobone.  Between them they have been pushing a number of wacky ideas as Private Member’s Bills, including the Margaret Thatcher Day Bill, which seeks to have the August Bank Holiday renamed after the lady in question – yes, honestly it does!

 

Hollobone appears to have become something of a spokesman for this motley crew, appearing many times on television recently to talk about his Face Coverings (Prohibition) Bill, which would make it a criminal offence to wear anything that covered the face in a public place if the primary purpose of the garment was to obscure the face.  So, no more balaclavas intended to obscure the face when the intention is to burgle a property or take part in a demonstration.  But not quite clear about balaclavas intended to obscure the face as a means of keeping out the freezing winds in winter.  

 

Hollobone defended this Bill on the basis that covering the face was not the way we did things in Britain, where he says we all exchange cheery smiles and waves with each other as we go about our daily business. Oh really? 

And even if we were a friendly bunch and felt miffed if someone transgressed against this ‘code’ by covering up, what next – a ban on beards, or bushy eyebrows, or wide brimmed hats, or sunglasses?

 

Anyway, there will be many who, looking at the three MPs in question, might feel it more appropriate to have a Bill to require faces to be covered in public.

Monday Moan 52

 

Here comes the sun ……

What a lovely picture, as Julian O’Strange and Ricardo Patino got to meet face-to-face last week in London, after developing a close relationship via email and video-links despite being physically separated by the vastness of the oceans between the UK and Ecuador.  It is thought that if all goes well in their courtship, O’Strange will be moving to Ecuador on a permanent basis in order to fulfil his life-long ambition of avoiding having to face the consequences of his actions.

 

It was, of course, a shame that the weather in London failed to allow the happy couple to sunbathe together, as had been their fervent wish.  But a cheery wave to the waiting media was enough to assure us all that this love-story will continue to entertain us for a long time to come.

 

Incidentally, a reader of the Moan has questioned the use of a photograph of the lovely Dick Emery in previous articles about O’Strange.  My immediate reaction was to think that the humour I was trying to inject had been lost on my reader (s) but, on reflection, I am grateful for the query as I now realise that O’Strange has moved on with his life and now wishes to put forward a different image. So, here's a sneak preview of the picture that will accompany any future piece about the self-confessed whistle-blower and alleged sexual offender....

........Julian seemed surprised to be called by the Moan .......

 

 

Farcical Farage

Some people seem genuinely surprised that Nigel Farage has been revealed to be just the same as all the other politicians he and whoever else is covered by the UKIP banner continually portray as just looking out for their own interests.

 

I’m not sure why anybody should be surprised to hear that he has been saying one thing whilst doing another, that he has been criticising others for finding ways of paying less tax whilst he has been doing the same.  Whatever you might think of him, he is like the vast majority of people in this country to the extent that he wants to minimise his tax bill and maximise his returns.  Nothing wrong with that – all perfectly legal.

 

But to be ‘caught out’ quite so obviously clearly was not part of his grand plan.  His fumbling and unconvincing responses to questions were so laughable that they made some of his earlier public pronouncements seem positively statesman-like in comparison. 

 

In days gone by, he and Boris would have had to live in different villages, since there was only ever room for one idiot.

 

 

Educational standards slipping (1)

Although they quickly rectified their mistake, the Daily Mail suffered the equivalent of the embarrassing wardrobe malfunction they are so keen to highlight almost everyday amongst the more glamorous of female celebrities.

 

Following up the story about Nigella Lawson being ‘playfully’ throttled by her admiring husband, they came up with this spelling ‘fail’ this morning.........

 

Having spent so much time criticising falling standards of education you have to admire them for coming up with a graphic demonstration to prove their point.

 

 

 

Educational standards slipping (2)

It seems that it is not only spelling standards that are slipping – simple mathematics are under threat too.

 

The BBC’s cricket website is a favourite of office-workers everywhere as a means of keeping up with the developing drama of a game that inconveniently usually takes place both during and throughout the working day.  The recently-ended Champions Trophy saw England again fail to win a tournament having reached the final game.  But they might not even have got to the final had they been forced to overcome the South African total the BBC calculated after their innings in last week’s semi-final.  Obviously fearing that the 175 runs the South Africans mustered would not be enough, someone decided to set England double that number to win.........

Howzat????

Monday Moan 38

It all depends on your perspective

When I heard the story about Nani being sent off at Old Trafford the other night in the Manchester United v Real Madrid game, I initially assumed that it was one of Wayne Rooney’s more agile conquests who had managed to evade security in order to remonstrate with him about failure to pay his debts, or something similar.

 

It was only later that I realised my mistake and that the furore was about someone being sent off for a trivial offence at Old Trafford and that this had affected the result of the game.  Now, so many players have found themselves on the wrong end of dubious refereeing decisions at Old Trafford over the years that this hardly constituted news, except that in this case, unlike almost every other, it was a Manchester United player who had been sent off and not a visiting player.  Now that really is unusual!

 

How instructive was it to read the comments of former United players on this episode?  Well, Roy Keane, not one usually associated with being on the side of the angels, thought the referee was right - "I think the referee has actually made the right call. Everyone's upset about it and it's slightly unlucky, but it's dangerous play. Whether he meant it or not is irrelevant. It's dangerous play - it's a red card. You have to be aware of other players on the pitch. Does he think he's going to have 20 yards to himself? "  

 

On the other hand, Paddy Crerand, (for younger readers, he played for Manchester United from 1963-1971 and has since found himself unable to say a bad word about the club and has refused to have surgery for the removal of the red and white blinkers he was given as a leaving present)  apparently thought that "Roy Keane was in a minority of one. Not one person said it was a red card except Roy. Why do we not talk about the 99.9% of people who said it wasn't a sending off.”

 

Warming to his theme he added, “Why are we talking about Roy Keane - because he played for Manchester United? Well, let me tell you something. I played with Manchester United, I played in a European Cup final, Roy didn't. The referee was wrong."

 

If you want objective analysis devoid of personal bias or animosity then don't bother calling Paddy Crerand.  If you want old-fashioned vitriolic nonsense, then he's your man.

 

 

 

 

Vicky Pryce – taking it well

According to many in the media, the Liberal Democrats have been rocked by ‘sensational claims’ that Vicky Pryce, ex-wife of Chris Huhne and now failed plotter and convicted liar, confided in them two years ago.  According to that unbiased bastion of objectivity, the Daily Mail, this was “a nightmare for a party still reeling from sexual harassment allegations”.

 

It seems that Pryce has now claimed, in previously undisclosed emails to a journalist, that she told some important people in Liberal Democrat circles that her husband had done some bad things.

For example, she says she mentioned that Huhne had ‘behaved badly’ and said to others that there might be a scandal about to break over Huhne. That, it seems, is the substance of the 'sensational claims'.  Wow.

 

Pryce has admitted to a campaign of leaks and planted information designed to get back at Huhne for his treatment of her when they were married.  She has been, to all intents and purposes, a woman on a mission to exact what she thought would be delicious revenge.

 

For such an apparently intelligent woman it is amazing that she did not think through the likely consequences of her actions.  Had she done so then surely she would have realised that they were likely to see her go to prison as well as him?  And given this background, why is the UK media so keen to peddle other allegations made by her, in a crude and transparent attempt to drag as many people as possible into her ugly and spiteful world?

 

With any luck she will be sentenced today to a spell in jail, where she can reflect on her foolish pursuit of revenge and we can be spared from having to read any more about her.

 

 

 

Bolshie at the Bolshoi

The story of the acid attack on Sergei Filin, the Bolshoi ballet’s artistic director is full of some deliciously over the top diva-esque intrigue.

 

Bolshoi soloist Pavel Dimitrichenko has been in court this week and has admitted paying someone to attack Filin, but only to beat him up and not to throw acid in his face.  Sub-plots abound, with most of them seeming to involve Dimitrichenko’s girlfriend Anzhelina Vorontsova or her teacher and mentor Nikolai Tsiskaridze who was, apparently, none too pleased that Filin was given the top job rather than him.

 

I am not yet convinced that this is anything other than an elaborate hoax being played on us by the Russian media.  The story is almost unbelieveable and the casting questionable.  The biggest clue to the subtefuge, however, was to be found in the ‘court’ scene last week. Look at the person playing the part of the policeman guarding the suspect – nothing more than a camp ballet dancer in an unconvincing disguise, I think. 

 

 

 

Celebrate success

Arsene Wenger and his Arsenal team have been slated in the media this year for another season of failure.  Things are looking black for Wenger and the club. They face another season without a trophy. It is also possible that for the first time under his managerial reign – 16 consecutive seasons so far - Arsenal might not finish above Tottenham in the league. That really would be a mark of failure.  The crowing that comes from Tottenham fans on the rare occasions that they have managed to beat Arsenal during that time has been in stark contrast to the utter silence, indeed the complete invisibility, of those same fans on other occasions.  If they are to have a moment of triumph then goodness knows how they will manage to control themselves.  Enjoy it while you can, would be my advice.

 

But before everyone gets carried away with their perceived failures, let’s remember that no matter what happens this week in the second leg of their tie against a dominant Bayern Munich, Arsenal have survived longer in the Champion’s League this season than any other British team.  OK, not the most stirring of achievements, and some might argue that this is just a quirk of the fixture list, or that Nani has given them a helping hand, but Arsenal fans won’t care.  When you are starved of success then you make the most of the little things.  Just ask Tottenham fans.

 

Monday Moan 33

Righteous indignation – or puffed up nonsense?

OK, I was asking for trouble reading the Daily Mail and I then compounded this error by reading the column by Quentin Letts - parliamentary sketchwriter, theatre critic, freelance writer, anonymous gossip-supplier to the media industry and all round pompous ass.

 

Almost anything written by Letts can be guaranteed to upset a large part of the population – inevitable really, since it will at the same time appeal hugely to most readers of the Daily Mail.  He can be humourous, of course, but he also peddles the kind of stuff you would expect in that paper – bombastic, little-Englander, anti-liberal, anti-socialist, pro-conservative (all with small capital letters), etc.

 

His recent piece bemoaning the defeat for the Conservatives over boundary changes for Parliamentary seats was a classic of its kind – the world is doomed by the actions of Labour and Lib Dem politicians being unfair to the Tories, aided by the Tories themselves not being firm with them.  The very foundations of our democratic way of life are threatened by what has happened.

 

Letts sees a left-wing conspiracy around every corner, including this one.  He puffs and splutters about corruption, cheating and outrage.  He works himself into a lather about the unfairness of it all and how the defeat for the Tories will result in that worst of all nightmares for him and those like him – “the Left will now be in power after 2015 — with all the repercussions for our national sovereignty that could bring.”

 

The poor man looks likely to explode if he’s not careful.  But can you really feel any sympathy for someone who not only uses the phrase ‘bien pensant’ in his article, but who is a repeat offender in this regard, having used the same words at least twice in recent months (1 November 2012 and 28 December 2012).  A good writer will not use words or phrases that cause readers to wonder what he or she is trying to say, either because the words are not commonly used or because their meaning is not always clear.  Letts fails on both grounds. Bad or smug writers, on the other hand, may use words and phrases they believe show how much better educated and clever they are than their readers.

Tony Pulis – the right man for the job

For those who don’t know, Tony Pulis manages Stoke City football club.  He has the demeanour of someone with a major chip on his shoulder. His gripe is that he represents a small club that is struggling to be treated fairly by the world, the football authorities, and specifically by referees. He believes that the rich clubs get favourable treatment and he has a particular issue with Arsenal for some reason.

 

He is, in fact, the perfect man to manage Stoke City.  Gritty, dour, unfashionable, committed to surviving by the principle of the ends justifying the means.  A marriage made in heaven.

 

On Saturday Pulis’s Stoke team faced Arsenal and, as usually happens, they lost.  Every football manager worth his salt can explain in great detail how it is that whenever they lose it was caused by the perpetration of some significant wrong against them. You really can’t be a manager if you don’t have this ability.

 

Arsenal’s winning goal was awarded only after the referee had consulted with a linesman (sorry, ‘referee’s assistant’) who had raised his flag for reasons known only to him, but assumed to be because he thought there had been an Arsenal player offisde.  Pulis started his after-match tv interview by saying “I haven’t got a clue what offside is now”.

 

The Monday Moan is glad to offer some help to him. A player is in an offside position if they are nearer to the opponent’s goal than both the ball and the second-last opponent – including the goalkeeper. You cannot be offside in your own half, if you are level with the second-last opponent or if you are behind the ball. However, being in an offside position is not itself an offence. A player is only penalized for being in an offside position if he is interfering with play, interfering with an opponent or gaining an advantage by being in that position.

 

So, with that tutorial, what happened in the game?  Well Arsenal took a free-kick, at which point the only player who might arguably have been offside was Theo Walcott, their no.14 – although as the picture shows, he is also arguably level with the last Stoke defender. 

 

The ball ended up in the opposite side of the goal to which Walcott was standing – he hadn't moved, he wasn't in the golakepper's line of vision, so clearly he cannot have been interfering with play.

 

All quite simple really – and now Tony Pulis will have no excuse for not knowing what offside is in the future.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wrong, wrong and wrong again

We all make mistakes from time to time, but mostly they are not serious and very few people get to know about them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Unfortunately, some people are not so lucky with their mistakes.

 

The person responsible for the captions on the BBC News on Sunday will be blushing today:-

 

  

 

The Herts Advertiser copywriter who forgot to use spellcheck for the photo caption below probably realises their mistake:-

 

 

However, although I am confident that most people would see the Newcastle supporter’s display (above and on this link) as a mistake, I am not convinced that the fan himself will agree.

 

 

 

Parts in a machine

And finally, not a moan but an observation.  Sitting here and writing this blog I can picture you and other readers at your desks, or on the way to meetings and it suddenly seems very strange to me that I no longer have to do any of this, that I don't have to get up to work each day, and that the good ship ‘Ex-employer’ sails merrily on without my assistance.  It is a sobering thought that we are but replaceable components in machines that can function perfectly well without our being there, no matter how important our efforts and presence might once have seemed.

 

But it is also comforting to realise that the world won't end if you don't get that paper written or that email sent. There is time enjoy yourself and do other things.